As the start of a new NBA season fills the air with hope for the elite teams, the stench of desperation pervades the air around 7th Avenue and 33rd Street in Manhattan, where the New York Knicks, fresh off of the Soul-Sucking Melo-drama of the past 6 seasons now turn to their newest Savior, the still-wet-behind-the ears 22 year old, 7 foot 3 inch Unicorn Kristaps Porzingis, born in August, 1995 just a few months after that Decade’s designated Savior, Patrick Ewing rimmed out a buzzer-beating layup in Game 7 of the Knick’s Eastern Conference Semifinal loss vs the Indiana Pacers and Pat Riley walked out of the Garden as Knick Coach for the last time, on his way to South Beach to collect a small fortune and 3 More NBA Championships. The Knicks?. They were on their way to one more Finals loss in 1999, an unceremonious dumping of Ewing to Seattle in 2000, followed by 17 seasons of misery, 3 Saviors (Stephon Marbury, Amare Stoudemire and OKC-Bound Carmello Anthony) and exactly one Playoff round Victory.
But the sellout crowds at the World’s Greatest Arena year after year prove the ever-delusional Knick fan has mastered the art of smelling the roses growing from a festering pile of Feces, so they dropped Melo’s number 7 jersey into the Hudson River and now bow at the feet of the precocious neophyte they call KP, who will don the Blue and Orange Jacket as THE MAN who will lead this Black Hole of a Franchise of nearly 45 years to the Glory days of Willis, Clyde, Earl the Pearl, Dollar Bill and Dave D.
And there’s the Rub. As a Knick fan since 1971 I have had more Poop shoveled my way than a Texas Cattle Rancher; my BS detector is so fine tuned I can tell what you had for Dinner in Dubai from my Home in Los Angeles County. The Knicks are currently in the 45th year of their 5 year plan since the 1973 Champs rode off into the Sunset…so of course their Media Day celebrates the passing of Melo like a bad Kidney Stone and the unveiling of….wait for it….Their 5-Year rebuilding Plan!.. OMG this is Unprecedented!
So in my now-infinite wisdom, I present to you a peek at the future: the inevitable endgame of the Porzingis Era, to save you time, money and searing back and neck pain suffered from hours on the Couch watching the pursuit of ineptitude by the Franchise that made ineptitude their Credo….
June 21, 2020 (Draft Night)
The New York Knicks have traded 2 Time All Star Forward Kristaps Porzingis to the (Your Team Here) for (1-2 Players of overrated Talent here) and (future first round Pick in the low 20’s and second round pick in the mid 50’s ). Porzingis refused to sign an extension with the Knicks due to their miserable 85-161 record over the past three seasons; his Agent (his older Brother) had informed the team at the beginning of the season that the Face of the Franchise would test Free Agency this summer.
Porzingis has averaged 23.7 points, 8.4 Rebounds, 3 assists and 2 Blocked shots over the past 3 seasons, and was selected as an All-Star Starter in 2019-20 despite the Knicks finishing 11th in the Eastern Conference and not making the Playoffs since 2012-13. He played under 4 Head Coaches in his New York tenure: Derek Fisher, Kurt Rambis, Jeff Hornacek (fired after the 2017-18 season after repeated clashes with Porzingis) and (add Next Lame Duck Knick Coach here).
Porzingis came under unrelenting scrutiny from the New York tabloids for failing to lead his team to the playoffs the last 3 seasons; every potential game-winning shot missed, rebound lost to a physically stronger opponent or nagging injury that kept him in his KristapsWear Apparel (No 1. Selling Sports Apparel in New York in 2020) on the bench became back page and sports talk fodder for his detractors; he became progressively sullen and withdrawn from the Media as he was compared ad nauseam to his contemporaries Karl Anthony Towns (second in MVP voting last season to Boston’s Anthony Davis) and All-NBA second team Center Joel Embid, whose Philadelphia teams have been Eastern Conference contenders the past 3 seasons. Porzingis continually took a beating in the tabloids for his inability to solidify a porous Knick defense that ranked 27th, 28th and 27th in Defensive Efficiency from 2017-2020.
Embattled General Manager Scott Perry is currently in the last year of his Contract and under fire by media and fans alike for the disastrous selections of (add Draft Busts 1 and 2 here) in the 2018 and 2019 Drafts over (add future NBA All Stars 1 and 2 here, both selected after the Knick picks), which led to the abrupt firing of team President Steve Mills in February. Perry, who also sent the Knicks’ 2021 First round draft pick to (Your other favorite team) for (add declining former All Star player with a chronic injury history here) in a desperate effort to placate Porzingis, stopped attending Knick home games as ever-larger throngs of fans at Madison Square Garden chanted for his firing.
Perry released the following Statement this morning at JFK Airport as he hastily left for his scouting trip in Outer Mongolia:
“The New York Knicks wish Kristaps the very best; he has been a consummate professional in dealing with a challenging situation as the team has faced an uphill climb to playoff contention. The Knicks remain committed to building a Championship contender that the City of New York can be proud of, and we are excited to add (lame duck players traded for Porzingis) to a promising core led by Frank Ntilikina (who has logged a 10 Player Efficiency Rating in 3 seasons), Willie Hernangomez (15 PER), the 2018/2019 draft busts and Tim Hardaway Jr. (who the Knicks have unsuccessfully attempted to trade for months after he averaged career-worst offensive numbers across the board last season and spent most of it in the Lame Duck Coaches’ Doghouse). The Battle for New York Basketball just became more exciting”.
Knick Center Joaquin Noah, whose signed a 2-Year, 30 million dollar contract extension after averaging 2.2 points and 6.4 rebounds in 55 games last season (his most games played since 2014 in Chicago) said “I’ll miss Kristaps, he was a great player and teammate, but we have more than enough to contend for a 3rd or 4th seed with the guys still on this roster “. (Noah immediately tripped over his Gym bag, spraining his knee and will be out indefinitely).
In an emotional farewell to Knick fans on the Player’s Tribune Webpage, Porzingis thanked them for their unconditional hero worship over the past 5 seasons and hoped their future would one day include a Championship Parade along the Canyon of Heroes before they reached retirement age; he closed his letter with “you are all First-Ballot Hall of Fame Suckers” (Sucker is Latvian for fan).
Porzingis will play for the defending Eurobasket Champion Latvian National team this summer before reporting to Brooklyn where he will become the centerpiece of the Nets’ resurgence to the top of the East after they lost a heartbreaking 7 Game second round Series to the Boston Celtics in May. He joins (First team All-NBA Point Guard) and (First Time All Star and steal of the 2018 Draft picked after the Knicks’ selection) to form a team picked by ESPN to finish first in the Eastern Conference in 2020-21.
2019-20 NBA Executive of the Year Sean Marks stated ” The acquisition of Kristaps represents the continued pursuit of excellence by the Nets Organization with the single minded Goal of an NBA Championship. The future is now”.
Porzingis’ 5 year, 350 Million Dollar Contract catapults him into the top 20 of NBA salaries, still a far Cry from LeBron James’ new one year 80 million per year deal with the 5 time NBA Champion Golden State Warriors, where he will join Kevin Durant, Stephon Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Russell Westbrook, Paul George, Carmello Anthony, Duane Wade and Chris Paul in pursuit of the Franchise’s 5th title in 6 seasons.
Knick owner James Dolan, on tour with his Band JD and the Sure Shots in the Cayman Islands, where they will open for a Fleetwood Mac cover band released this statement: ” I wish Mr. Porzingis smashing success in the Western Conference except the one night per season that his team visits Madison Square Garden…wait, what…The NETS?”.
The Back Page of the New York Post saluted Porzingis’ tenure as a Knick with a tribute inspired by the Patrick Ewing Farewell Cover in 2000:
Pouty Porzingis lugs his losing legacy across the Bridge to Brooklyn
The New York Daily News Back Page, not to be outdone simply stated:
Porzingis takes his Not Ready for Prime Time game Off- Broadway for big $$$$…
….and the (JD) Band plays on.
(I was only kidding about the LeBron thing)